It’s ironic that every time I build up some momentum about blogging, time passes and I do not write at all! A lot of things have been happening and every time I think that life is about to slow down or I would be able to have a break, it goes into full throttle again. Because there are too many things to think about or digest, I end up forgetting stuff and have gotten frustrated many times. The other night, I decided to literally hole myself up in a room, face the window and contemplate things as I drifted in and out of sleep. Funnily enough, I felt a bit better in the morning.
More often than not, it’s hard to keep the chill.
Even when it is supposed to be a relaxing time, I would end up thinking about something else, sending messages or checking things that I may have forgotten about. You know it’s chronic when you end up in another room staring at a cabinet as you rack your brain and wonder what you were looking for in the first place (this has happened a few times already!). Sometimes I get so tired that I fumble with my things and thoughts.
Some big scares have happened recently and one of them had me jumping from my seat. I felt a chill go up and down my spine and my heart beat faster as I rushed to react. Thankfully, things turned out alright though it’s funny how some jolts like that remind you of what is truly important. All the focus you may have lost aggregate themselves into one driving force, propelling you forward when it matters.
People say to listen to your intuition and it is a big coincidence that a lot of things I had planned for that fateful day started earlier than expected. I also decided not to opt to do even more things on that day because something was niggling me inside. If I had been doing something else at that moment or even a small event during that day had been otherwise, I would not have been able to react as I did.
I’m also not a very religious person but one thing I felt was how God truly is the best of planners. As human beings we cannot foresee or control everything and while we try and run ourselves ragged, there is some comfort in how things will happen as they should, whenever that is. We may not be ready to face some issues, what more deal with them but instances and situations can show you some strength that you have that was just lying dormant inside. Things can happen beautifully in sync when they are supposed to, so perhaps we need not worry so much after all. We just need to do our part and have trust in the process.
Some people take it as an excuse to not try, to not go after something they want. They would say “Oh, it is God’s will.What can I do about it? Why work/worry when it has all been planned?” If things do not go the way they want, it’s like they detach themselves, they seem willing to go about life like a zombie. I do not believe in that sort of defeatist attitude because you should try and even if things do not play out the way you want, there is some good in it and your conscience is clear.
There’s also the other bunch of people who feel like “I must do this now or my world is doomed!”. It actually is very stressful to live life that way all the time, as though everything is a piece of structured machinery which would explode without your hands dabbling. Some things happen organically, some things you have no control over and not everything has an expiry date. Don’t rush unnecessarily, good things take time and effort.
If you come across dying relationships, have comfort in the thought that maybe it’s a break and not a forever dead after. It’s so important to have good thoughts wherever possible and get rid of the bad mojo you may feel; to practice self-restraint during your very angry moments and watch what you say. It helps prevent you from unnecessarily burning bridges. Just let the bridge exist, at least you may be able to cross it happily in the future. Don’t kill something you once have invested in unless it truly is needed or God shows otherwise.
We cannot choose our own life lessons and tests; I have truly seen it recently too. Sometimes you hear the words or advice, but internalizing it happens over time. I had problems dealing with flashbacks and would wonder why those things happened or why I behaved the way I did, as though I was solely responsible for all the damage. My support system have patiently taken care of me and tried showing me “the light” but maybe what was lacking was the faith I had in myself. I also don’t think that all of this is a phase as much as it is what life is about. I will continue feeling tired and anxious simply because of the growing responsibilities. What is supposed to happen is that it helps condition me into a tougher cookie that keeps progressing and if I try keeping the chill and building up, I know God will continue to be there for me in some way or other.
Ironically, it took a lot of hard knocks from life, the kind that gets you quivering until you are at your knees and think you cannot take anymore for you to realize that at the very basic level, you are surviving. You may have breakdowns, ugly tears and pain you have postponed dealing with but you are alive. There must have been something that was inside of you too that naturally helped you survive (though you may not quite know what it is yet) and maybe you should have a bit more faith in yourself. Maybe, through all of that, you have learned a bit more about who you are instead of just drifting through life. Maybe you know what you actually stand for and that would not have been possible without all the bad shit.
Maybe you are not as imperfect as you thought you were and you deserve something better for yourself; you will only really know what that is if you pace yourself and keep trying. Don’t just settle, because all these battles you go through would let it resonate that your happiness should not be easily bartered. Not after everything you have been through. Keep the faith.