musing: here I am again

I went down the rabbit hole again, and if I am completely honest with myself, I have not fully gotten out. Like a sense of deja vu though I feel that I have tumbled through more thorny bushes this time round.

One of the things that happened was I decided to resign and I was/am still a bit stung about it. I like my colleagues and scope of work, but sometimes, these things happen and this was in a way not something I would have picked for myself. I hate looking for jobs and going through the process but due to unavoidable circumstances, this is the card I have been dealt with.

Some people would say “Oh, suck it up” or “Don’t you feel like crap/regrets for not staying longer?” or “What if you are wrong? You don’t have another job lined up”. I’d like to think they mean well, but if this was a cartoon, I might actually not hesitate to slap their faces with frying pans because I find these comments quite insensitive. Honestly, there is more than one way to get your message across and though your decisions and mine may be different, I think we need more kindness in the world.

It’s not that I am in denial, because OF COURSE the fears are real. The job market is bad, I do not get all calls back though I have been applying to many. OF COURSE I could still not have a job in a couple of months and have to rethink about whether AK should just stay home with me because we may not be able to afford it. OF COURSE I could stop having a career and may just pick another job for the paycheck (though I REALLY HOPE NOT!), yes there are many many ways this could and did get me down, but I am honestly so tired of worrying all the time and have others communicate these same things to me like I am stupid.

At the very least, I have some downtime to sort out the house, get all zen and figure life out for a little bit. There is also no shame in doing odd jobs. The point is, I am staying away from too much negativity. My introvert self does most of the negative possibilities’ assessments, so I don’t need these added inputs.

Moving along, in the course of looking for jobs, I did some personality assessments. I knew I was not happy but actually looking at the results, seeing them on a piece of paper validated it for me. Assessments may not be so bullet proof, but it was nevertheless a good wake up call for me. I went down this rabbit hole earlier this year and this was proof that “honey, you got yourself into a deeper one right now.”

I have been having problems with anxiety and stress and though I love how my friends and family are ever supportive with their advice and good intentions, there are elements to it I still need to figure out for myself.

Among the great advice I got from them were:

  1. God does not put you through anything you cannot handle – How many times have you probably heard this advice? It may not feel like it, you could get angry or disappointed in having to go through things like I did but sadness and frustration can only give you so much comfort. Then, it eats away at you and you feel a sense of hopelessness. When I got over myself and my friend reminded about the things I have went through in the past, I felt that it is true. I survived then and I can survive now.
  2. Tests may come in different forms because you may not have learned what God wanted you to learn – This one really resonated with me. Instead of thinking you are being punished, it helps to think that what is happening is simply a different module of your learning curriculum. No one is perfect, so there is no need to beat yourself up for being so. We are all works in progress and maybe we are 60% better than the last sh*t storm we went through. And maybe this next one, will make us that much better.

    When you feel alone, there is God and my friends have reminded me of that. It may sound preachy and trust me, I have tried many things to distract myself but there is some truth to how much better I feel when I pray to God. The act of trying to block out everything else and just focus on praying and gathering the courage to ask Him for things I want instead of always thinking am unworthy to even ask for things have helped me become somewhat calmer. I hope to be more consistent in this and to also not worry too much about whatever plans there may be in store for me. Whatever faith you may follow, keep your faith in Him even when you may feel you do not deserve it. Believe in yourself and how you have come a few steps further from where you have been.

  3. Stop overthinking – This advice can also not help at all sometimes. Like, hello? I am talking to you about my fears, my concerns, and you tell me not to overthink? How do I prepare and honestly, after all the thinking I have done, do you really think my brain is going to stop thinking now? It is the truth though, sometimes we get too stuck in all the what-ifs and could-bes that we worry more than embrace the next thing that may come along. This actually makes us less prepared for it. If you focus instead on your strength, courage and what makes you whole, that will help you get through whatever obstacles more than dreading it ever would.
  4. Enjoy life for all it has to offer and accept what love has to give you – When in doubt, turn to those who love you. Time and time again, I have been blessed with friends and family who love me unconditionally. On my bad days, I have a little girl who will ask me why I am unwell and try to put a smile on my face. She will always want to be around me even when I don’t want to be around myself. That has actually helped me get out of many ruts, because I don’t want her affected. I want her memories with me to be happy, loving ones together. My husband also would take good care of me and give in to some of my random whims, which I am very blessed for.

    My friends have been nothing short of supportive, caring when I have not given my best and I have been blessed with the random encounters I have had with strangers who have made me laugh. There is so much light within the darkness that we perceive. The abyss we often dread or shrink away from yet sucks us in has its pockets of light, very much like the stars that glitter in the night sky.

    Don’t pay too much attention to those who do not support you or are unkind. Not because you are better than them or are in denial, but because you need cheerleaders when you are at your lowest. These are not the people to look towards. Breathe and enjoy the small moments of silence if you do not want people around you. Enjoy a day out like a massage, a good book, a cup of coffee and take good care of yourself in general. It is also very important to get enough sleep!

I have also been guilty of not writing and blogging enough, which means that while I have different thoughts, they often fly away from me. Disclaimer: be prepared for more posts that are lessthancheerful but I do hope that some parts of my journey or of my being really frank helps you in some way or other.

Let’s not lie to ourselves and pretend everything is perfect. Perfect may just be boring anyway. I’d love to hear your stories/comments too 🙂