thoughts | to my younger self

Dear L,

Where you are now seems filled with promises, from the start of your career and the carefree days you spend chilling with your friends. It all seems so hopeful, a new beginning where you really have a taste of adulthood.

But there are many lessons you will learn through the course of your journey. Where you once had been taught that results were really all that mattered, you will have doubts through your career and sense a split between what you have learned and what you want to do in the world. You will wonder whether being successful truly lies within the amount of money rolling in and what it may mean to actually gun for the money.

You will have days where it seems like life lacks meaning, but take heart in the fact that it is only because you have not found your purpose yet. You may feel like “Oh what does it matter?” and overthink the 1001 ways something is wrong with yourself, but here is your answer: You lack consistency because you lack the drive. You have the spark when you are with people but may have never really thought of what keeps that spark going when you are alone.

As the years pass by, friends who you thought would be there forever will drift apart, your ideals also change when it concerns the things and people who matter in your life but don’t let that dampen or slow you down.

Because there is a lot more to come. For every day you have spent wondering about the rationale of it all, for every frustrated tear and sad whining session, there will be some answers that will come your way. It takes time and patience to not drive yourself crazy through that time. I will not guarantee that there will be a happy ending in the end, where you will feel you need nothing else,that you are purely content.

But that’s only because movies and books you have been reading have a fallacy with happy endings; they don’t mention them as new beginnings. The highlights people often choose to showcase are simply that: highlights. The grit, the dark days are the ones people choose to not talk about, because it’s happiness that sells. That idea of perfection that lead people to believe if they do not have so and so with so and so, they are incapable of being content.

There is so much to you, so much to wake up within yourself to let yourself be dictated by society’s structure and norms. Aside from a stronger connection to God, let your values and your dedication be the cornerstone for your decisions. The days you look back and get surprised at what you have achieved are too far and between since you treat your flaws microscopically. Shame for who you may be is too heavy a burden to carry when you want to go places. You will experience pain and heartache, that’s definite but it does not define you.

The good part is, the people who will leave your life bring some good ones in and these people are your cheerleaders. Often, they may notice things about you that you may have never noticed about yourself and they help you champion towards being a better human being. They are the ones who will go out on a limb to help you, to hold you as you cry and to equally rejoice in your successes. They will have more faith in you than you have in yourself, you just have to believe in it. The pains you go through not only make you more resilient, but it helps you appreciate the goodness in others and take less things for granted.

You may not understand why people do the things they do, well that is not going to change when you get older haha! You may just have to become more accepting of it and not let what they do become the car crashes of your life. What is meant for you will not leave you and vice versa. It’s true!

All those dreams you had of playing with a little girl will also come true. While you never imagined being a wife and mother, lo and behold, God has a sense of humor and it will happen. You will cry scared sh*tless on the operating table and hold your baby girl in your arms crying when you are first alone with her, but with the pain comes the good. A love like no other, some tough decisions become easier to make as she also becomes another cornerstone in your decisions.

Where you did not have the strength to stand up for yourself, you will stand up for her and struggle when you need to. Your heart will feel fuller despite the daily tasks as you realize she may just be as feisty and sassy as you are. The difference is you can help her through, the life lessons you have accumulated will help you do that.

Coupled with how you never had to consistently pick up a broom and pot, you will have days of hanging clothes with her, chasing her with tissues and bribing her with chocolate. Days where you feel so frazzled, you wonder how your hair is not curly yet and wonder how you are juggling it all. As she lies asleep, arms and legs spread like a starfish, snoring away, it will always resonate in you as to how it may not be easy, but it sure as heck is worth it.

Keep it simple, my love. When the waters get murky, use the intentions you started off with to help you through. Everything seems pretty do/die right now, but take your time and don’t beat yourself up. Accept the love from those close to you and do not view your asking for help as a sign of weakness. Tell them what may really be on your mind even if it sounds crazy/stupid and don’t worry too much about things that won’t matter in 5 years. If you don’t reach out, they will never know.

Don’t lose that zest of life, that random burst of spontaneity, thinking that you have to grow up so fast. Live life more in the present and embrace it for each moment it brings without over-analyzing and doubting everything, without worrying constantly about what people may think or say about you. Don’t be afraid to take chances and riddle yourself with the possibilities of failure, more so when it comes to your career and the things you want to do.

Because at this age, I look back and though I am happy, I am grateful, I also wish I had a little more faith in myself and enjoyed it all a bit more.


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