thoughts | goodbye & hello

If you and I are really close, you would know pretty much exactly what I have been going through from young till now. I’m not going to pour all that crap here onto my blog, but if you and I are really close, chances are you have seen me bawl my eyes out and whine a bit before I get up to attempt at life again.

That is one of the realities of adulthood and there are many more situations down the line where you will have to make more difficult decisions. I got really upset about Chester Bennington’s death because he was an adult who had kids but the demons of his past and that sense of loss from losing his close friend drove him to the edge to commit suicide. It was a tragedy considering how many people looked up to him and his lyrics were so real; it is tragic that he decided to do so. We cannot say he was not strong considering that he has been through tough situations yet I hope it does not cause a domino effect for people in their everyday lives.

Though I have not been alone, it feels like it on some days and I wonder if that is what Chester felt when he made that decision. When enough shit hits the fan, you give up trying. I never thought I would reach my 18th birthday when I was younger, and it amazes (and scares the crap out of me) that I will be 29 this year. I am not sure what kept me going when I was younger but now, what stops me from ending it all is knowing AK still needs me. What makes all the shit I have been through worth it is knowing that one day when she is in a difficult situation, maybe my experience would help her out. I hope this continues to be a motivator for me, even through the days where I just want to end it all. Maybe the Asian me also does not want her spending lots of money on therapy hahaha.

Above it all, what I have been feeling lately is a true sense of loss. The last time I felt this huge sense of loss was when my best friend passed away, which struck me as kind of strange because no one I love so much has died recently. I wondered why I felt that way and it is not like you can measure things like pain and loss. But that does not make it any less real. My epiphany though was realizing that there are some things you cannot change, even if you become an adult with kids, even if you had the strength of a 100 men and the persistence of the fiercest dogs. Some things cannot be changed.

As I talked to another best friend about the emptiness, I realized maybe inside i hoped that there was some hope and I am transitioning between what I thought was life and what it really is. The dissonance between hope and reality becomes that much more apparent; from being idealistic to realistic. If only because you cannot bear the hurt anymore. The hurt, as painful as it is, is a signal that eggs you on to be realistic about unrealistic situations.

Grief reminds us that we once had something we truly cherished and the emptiness reminds us of the magnitude of our love. We once loved that much and while it may have been beautiful while it lasted, it is now a chapter to be closed.

I have been running in circles for the longest time, hoping against hope that I could one day rewrite the story or at least let it have a happy ending. This is a decision that has to come from me and not anyone else and while I have been lingering on it, I feel that now it is the time. I can look forward to however much time I have left in this world without regrets. I realize that although this has sucked the life out of me, my deciding to close this chapter for good is not a decision I would be making out of emotion.

Maybe I have not been fortunate in changing this story, maybe I will be more fortunate for the next. I am looking forward to finding out.

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