It has been a mad rush and I have been having days where I break down and cry ugly tears over the things I have no control over. The things I can never really seem to understand despite the time that has passed by. Mr Grumpy and AK deserve better from me.
I have signed up for Muay Thai classes with the hope of getting rid of the anger and frustrations. Hope it brings me closure and acceptance. I am back to trying to just survive through most days, doing things with a blank mind only because thinking brings so much hurt.
I hope that one day it won’t hurt as much anymore and that I can still go through life without only aiming to survive. Without feeling incomplete and helpless over situations that I did not choose, the nightmares that never end.
I am tired of feeling so wound up and hope that I manage to achieve all the things that I used to dream about and that I can keep up the momentum with my online courses and work in general.
I hope that one day I will not feel empty during my conversations with loved ones. I know they try but it still hurts more and I cannot find the words or have them really understand what I have been through. Or how they can help me feel better when I have no idea how to make myself feel better. I try not to make them feel like shit hanging out with me and not to complain so much because I am tired of hearing myself sound like a broken record.
I just wish it was over so I may hide away for a while until I feel more human again. Maybe detox from social media and be a hermit, maybe I should give it a shot. I feel so alone and it boils down to me. No more plastic smiles, trying to act alright when I am not. It’s the time to grieve and accept that I am broken and not try to immediately fix it.
May God help me through this time because I really don’t know how to help myself and make all of it go away.