random rant: exhaustion

When I was younger, I could not wait to grow up.

I would dream up scenarios of how I would probably want to spend my life. My childhood friend and I made a pact to stay together when we were working adults as we doodled away in class. Though we still remain close today, it’s funny how life has turned out.

Some straight up real talk: I’ve never been as exhausted. Juggling it all for years now.

There’s a large percentage of people who view marriage and babies as a happy ending. Hello, hello it is a new beginning, my friend. Oh sure, there is the honeymoon stage and all the good stuff that comes from cuddles, sharing life with your best friend and partner (i.e. husband who’s less likely to run off like a boyfriend might and who helps keep you sane), the laughs with your toddler (who does not need caffeine to have way more energy than you) and learning more about yourself.

But learning is truly a life-long journey. Change is not easy and I think too many people oversimplify it, likening it to choosing to order a salad instead of pizza.

Having to learn to balance housework, tasks at work and being truly present to play and roll about with AK was not an easy feat for someone who used to be so chilled. It goes beyond just ticking checkboxes off a to-do list, really. Don’t even get me started on how I worry ever so often about being a good mum and wife, finances, daily routines, exercising, eating somewhat healthily, hobbies and maintaining other relationships.

It involves giving yourself fully; to be mindful and present in everything you do. I already get so exhausted from all the thinking and doing whenever 8 pm rolls around. Sometimes you can’t believe there are only 24 hours a day.

Ironic how stressing about stress has proven to be a killer!

Everyone has their own struggles, some in their careers. Though it may seem impressive when you see the highlights and accomplishments, I admire more of their resilience and tenacity in getting there. Sometimes it is not the big decisions that hold sway, it is the small ones that add to the accumulated patterns and habits of the future you. It’s also amazing how some people haven’t gone stark crazy in trying to maintain and build such habits in a dynamic society with breakneck pace.

Adulting is no joke and I strongly admire people who are able to balance it all and maintain their values and principles. No one mentions how you may cry from exhaustion, question your decisions, question yourself and how you should keep pushing and progressing. How to keep your zen. They should teach this sort of stuff in school and university instead of just emphasizing grades.

It’s easier to just be lazy. It’s easier to blame others, bring someone else down, to be jealous and to passively trudge through life, accepting whatever comes. To not think, question or do more. It’s not that I’m not thankful or content but I don’t want to be complacent. It’s easier to just wish for things to be easier, give in to ever changing emotions, let go of responsibilities and not care. However, I choose growth over stagnancy and always will.

I want to get beyond just surviving. I want to thrive and not give up even when I am so tired. I’ve been told that’s the kind of stuff champions are made of and that nothing worth having comes easily but it goes way beyond ego or an aim for perfection.

Dear God, I ask not for the journey to be easier but to have the strength and perseverance to get through it all. I am thankful for all You have given me and I pray that the next time I cry and feel helpless that You will continue to bless me with your mercy and the good people you have surrounded me with. I pray to rise beyond the exhaustion and worry and to eventually thrive. May I be consistent and may all that I do be good for others, for myself and be ever pleasing in Your eyes. 

Yes. This was just a rant from a working mum. Sorry if I wasted your reading time but this did a whole lot of good for me haha!

I have not gotten to where I want to just yet.

“We’ll keep experiencing the same lessons until we learn to grow from them. Don’t be afraid to accept what’s happening so you can let go.”