#musings: of anxiety and blessings

I’m sitting in the office and admittedly, it’s not as busy a day as it has been for the past few weeks. At home, I am busy cooking or cleaning the kitchen I am currently so in love with or chasing my toddler who tries to stick things in her mouth (or wonders why Mother Goose Club is not loading on the iPad). Now’s finally a chance for me to reflect and think about these past happenings.

Sometimes, you wish life could be a bit easier. It’s not about being ungrateful because I understand that God puts us through things and never things that you cannot handle. I understand it’s all a growing process, meant to help our metamorphosis into becoming stronger people, but on some days, a day like today, I wonder why some things could not be a bit easier.

For a whole lifetime of ups and downs, I have had many years where you do not know what would happen next. It could be a bright day with sunny memories and you could rest your head easily as you sleep later that night. It could also be a stormy day filled with fires that you are too busy trying to put out and you get burns you are only aware of later on.

I am not proud of it, but maybe writing will give me some closure.

I had many days with a smile plastered on my face but my brain ran at a million miles per hour, my anxiety got so bad that I started questioning everything said or done by everyone and me. Did people really say what they meant? Were there underlying messages I simply was not aware of, was everyone indeed out to get me? My life was like a race against time, trying everything I could and still I wondered why it was all not enough.

Admittedly, things changed when Mr Grumpy stepped into my life. I had no idea things would happen as fast as they did and as greatly as they did. From the moment it started, to when he became my best friend and confidante in a matter of months and he decided we would spend the rest of our lives together. He came at the lowest point of my life then and was simply there, accepting and caring.While one would think that such a pace would throw one into complete disarray, I felt safe and solid for the first time in a long time. My anxiety attacks slowly waned with him.

Having someone who listens and who understands your pain without trying to minimize  or brush it off can do wonders for one’s self-esteem. Until today, I sometimes wonder just what I did right to deserve him in my life. We both have our flaws but instead of careening into a crash through really rough terrain, it’s like I knew what he was like from those first few moments, those first few conversations and I knew he was someone I could be with for life.

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Yes, you do not need someone for you to exist but I believe in the saying: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go further, go together.” The world is still beautiful when skies are dark, but you may need someone to help show you the stars.

Somehow, we are pulling through and I am no longer alone. I hope we really do get to spend the rest of our lives together, InsyaAllah.

Somehow, we got gifted with a baby girl who is easy to handle yet so cheeky that you cannot help but laugh with her and who loves so generously so easily. I hope her spirit will not ever be broken and if it does, I hope she finds the strength in us and what we teach her to get back on track.

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Being her mother has been such a privilege and having her run into my arms, looking for comfort has made me feel like a titan and champion, even on days I feel like crap. I never knew motherhood would feel this way. That your patience would be tested when your child cries for no reason, that your love would be amplified when you watch them laugh or sleep. I never thought I could love so much and keep it up on such a consistent basis haha! I get to admire her sense of wonder and curiosity as she takes her many steps and as she keeps growing and growing.

Having a family unit of my own has made me stronger and more empathetic than I have ever been. When I used to go through pain, I would stumble about in a “macho” or gung ho manner, thinking that was the best way and the pain would somehow evaporate if you gave it enough time. I used to wish that no one had to go through pain and hurt, but now I wish that for everyone who does and will go through pain, that they will be kind to themselves when they can and to have kind and goodhearted people they can lean on.

I got a bout of anxiety attacks recently and it made me rethink and question a lot of things in my life. A good friend of mine has been there to help me through too, from pushing trolleys of groceries one random night to our much needed lunches where I have ranted my heart out. Thank you babe! ❤

Yes, sometimes you wish life would be a bit easier, but I have to keep remembering that I am in a much better place than before; there is a lot to be grateful for. It probably will not be the last time I face such anxiety, but I can hope that I would be able to deal with it better and that the ones I have leaned on will also help me through.

I’ve realized the importance of those who matter in my life and hope I will never forget that. Also, for God’s blessings upon blessings. May we always find something to be grateful for during the darkest times of our lives.

 

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