It’s been ages since I have written poetry or a creative piece in general.
Back when I was younger, I could pretend nothing happened during times of distress and swallow down lumps of emotion. Whenever it got too much, I would take a pen and write in my diary. Nothing quite compared to the ability to be completely honest with yourself, to be completely vulnerable and to be free. Free from any judgment and free from the baggage because you have recognized and acknowledged that it was weighing you down.
Once, someone read my diary and boy, did I get hell for it. More than that though was how I was told it was wrong for me to have such thoughts and to write them down. I did not understand it till later but there were times when I could not bring myself to read what I had written. If I felt really down, I would scribble on a piece of paper but tear it up afterwards. I threw out my old diaries too. Though I did write sometimes, I also felt like whatever I wrote was simply not good enough.
Things are different now.
For one, I have more self-assurance that could be due to having Mr Grumpy and AK in my life. Whenever the other aspects may not be great (i.e. work, social life, etc), it helps to come home to welcoming arms and also a bossy toddler who hangs the stars in my sky. I may not be perfect, but they still love and accept me for who I am. I’ve had times when I felt really down and sprawled myself on the bed,crying my eyes out and felt tiny hands patting/smacking me with little coos.
I am now in a better place than I was before. Where I used to feel lost or kept trying to quench the thirst of instant gratification, I can now exercise a bit more patience and self-restraint. There is more focus to my ambition though now it has merged my career dreams with being the best mother I can be for AK. Where I could not be strong or assertive for myself, I could be for my own little family.
It’s been ages since I have written poetry or a creative piece in general. Maybe I will one day again.