”It may be that you dislike something, though it is good for you. And it may be that you love something, though it is bad for you. And God knows, and you do not know” (Qurán, 2:216)
It has been almost a month since I last wrote since there were SO many things happening. I rarely get sick yet during this pregnancy, I got sick for the 3rd time about two or three weeks ago. The flu and cough is nothing to really worry about, it is more of the fever so I got admitted for a night. Man, the cough syrup my doctor gave was potent! I thought he was exaggerating when he said it was drowsy and I may need toilet supervision but lo and behold, it might as well have been an elephant tranquilizer because I had the comatose sort of sleep.
Just a week after that incident, another scare came our way. When doing the ultrasound, it seemed like the amniotic fluid within my belly was below normal. Apparently, the normal range is about 8-20cm (they measure the fluid sacs around the baby) but mine was below that. On came the CTG scans, which are to monitor the baby’s heartbeat and your contractions and also to let you know if the baby is in distress. I got really freaked out by this since it was not like you can bring the whole machine home and check each time you worry about the baby. It did not help that I had problems differentiating baby movements and contractions and so we thought the best move was to try and induce AK out.
But God knows best and AK appears to have a mind of her own as she is still happily kicking away in my belly.
I won’t go into the details of the induction but it was an emotional and stressful time for all of us. Time is so relative as the minutes felt like days in that state of panic. Partly because it is our first time and while you may be anxious to fix the situation, sometimes you have to wait. And that suspense can kill you as you worry for not just you, but the baby. I became so stressed and could not help but feel angry as it felt like things were out of my control but during these times is when we sometimes learn the best of lessons.
For one, Mr Grumpy and my family never left me to deal with things alone. Some parts during the inducing, I felt pain or sheer embarrassment (when they tried ”detoxing” my system, for one!) and while it turned out to be funny in retrospect, I was scared most of the time and had no idea how to explain what I felt. I learned that when someone is really there for you, it does not matter whether they can understand you or always help make you feel better, it is more often than not their presence and care that eventually helps you through it. They did not care that I was weak or vulnerable even though their worries amplified seeing how worried I was. Mr Grumpy was by my side literally the whole time and though am sure he worried (which I found out later), he put that aside to help tend and be there for me.
I always try to underplay my worries to friends but I was also really touched by those who kept asking and offering moral support for us. They also offered their prayers and am really thankful for the good vibes sent our way. Thank you guys so much and will remember you in my prayers.
During times like those, your emotions and rationales can be all over the place. People tell you not to worry and say it may not be as bad as you think, but sometimes it really is difficult to think logically. In fact, a part of you is very likely to think ”Oh shut up already, I am enough of a headless chicken already… I do not even have my ears attached to listen to you!!” but when I stopped to think about it, you realize you can try and control things yet ultimately it is in God’s hands. Some people may consider this a defeatist attitude but it is the essence that you need to get right. You do what you can, the best way you can and the rest, you leave to Him. No one said ”Hey you do not need to work for it”, there needs to be a balance of effort and faith. I was comforted by the thought that even if IF something went terribly wrong, it still would be what God deemed best for me and while things can be hard to accept, you would have to in order to move forward.
That comfort brought some positivity as you also realize you should not be lashing or blaming the people and circumstances around you. We are only as strong as we think we are and when you think about it, dealing outwardly in a bad manner (by lashing or blaming) does not strengthen you as much as if you were to deal inwardly (accept, brainstorm and take that leap of faith). I may not be perfect in many aspects, but I have enough faith and confidence in God being All-Wise. With those thoughts, everything changed and thankfully later on, we found that the amniotic fluid was not so little after all.
AK is healthy and fine, Alhamdulillah there was no need to force her out and while I tried with all my might because I felt it was what was best for her, God made it such that things happened in a different and better way.
Worry ends when faith begins and I felt better coming home after the incident. Now, I do not need such frequent check ups and it helps when you can feel relaxed around family.
Coincidentally, during the same weekend, my sister got engaged and am very happy that I managed to be there. Things worked out for the best because if it had been otherwise, we would have missed it and this was definitely something really important to her. To be able to see her take that step and how happy she was, I cannot imagine how it would have been like to have not been there.
It made me think of how when we go through both struggles and good times, there is sometimes a fallacy in thinking that we are alone and only us alone understand what we are going through. While it is true to a certain degree, it is always comforting to know you are not alone and you do not have to deal with everything alone. More often than not, you have people you can lean on and they care about the same things you care about, even if they may have different thoughts and feelings.
The different approaches may sometimes confuse you or lead you to think they do not care, but probe a little bit and be patient.
Most of the times, its is different from what we thought we knew. It may seem like the higher moral road of humility and grace, but it pays off and there is so much in life you can be thankful for.